[00:06.057]It’s 4 PM on a Monday and I cannot stop sobbing[00:09.277]I haven’t been able to eat or sleep or leave the bed for days[00:13.063]Crying every single day for the past 20 days[00:18.566]Now that I type it out, that seems like an obvious red flag[00:22.012]Something is wrong[00:22.831][00:24.464]On paper, my life is nice[00:26.886]Actually, my life is becoming the very life[00:28.886]I have dreamed about since I was a little kid[00:31.533]I so badly wish I could engage, appreciate[00:34.566]And truly live this life that[00:35.933]I’ve been fortunate enough to experience[00:38.586]Unfortunately, there is a seemingly infinite void inside of me[00:43.476]And a darkness that won’t lift[00:45.888]I have never felt this alone and discarded in my life[00:49.491]This includes times when I lost friends, family[00:52.293]And even what I thought was my god[00:54.525]Perhaps those losses just compounded[00:57.317]Including my current situational stressors[01:01.336]Or maybe this is unrelated[01:04.119]Or maybe I am making it all up[01:06.110]I am writing this on my iPhone[01:09.010]And can already tell that this text will either end up[01:11.614]Sounding like a suicide note or like[01:13.850]Some pathetic attempt at “being real”[01:16.835]It is neither though[01:19.321]The closest thing I can think of to compare this text to is a letter to the universe[01:23.510]Begging for the aching to let up, the crying to slow[01:27.031]And my ability to function to return[01:29.783]Sometimes I am just grateful that I can still cry -[01:32.577]Because being numb is an even worse reality[01:35.357]And very few people seem to return from that