I Always Thought I Would Be Okay - Hotel Books.mp3

[00:08.060] I tried to capture my emotions on paper and I was told that I was misdirected
[00:14.210] But maybe my mindset has just been infected by this pain-infested reappropriation
[00:19.993] Of the comfort I've developed with negligence
[00:23.465]
[00:23.642] 'Cause part of my heart followed me when I finally moved out
[00:27.823] But I still feel most connected to it when I go back home
[00:31.464] She's now just a three-year memory of being addicted to caffeine
[00:35.411] And praying I could tell her all the things I'd planned on saying
[00:39.466]
[00:39.599] And the coffee stains in my journal are a reminder of when I pushed myself into depression
[00:46.725] It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken
[00:50.671]
[00:50.903] And the most sense I can make of this world
[00:54.126] Has slowly transformed itself from being ink in my pen
[00:57.627] To being the pain in my heart and my head
[01:01.621] And I never to meant to write words
[01:03.622] That would make people feel like crying
[01:06.327] I just never wanted to write a single word where I was lying
[01:11.759]
[01:12.060] And I have slowly tapped the brakes on working
[01:15.330] And pushed my foot down on letting go
[01:17.907] And somehow, I still don't know if this method is even working
[01:22.859] I just pray that people can find hope in the stories that I'm telling
[01:28.227]
[01:28.750] 'Cause the things that got me focused on hope
[01:31.933] Were her smile and that beautiful California weather
[01:36.092] But now that the winter storms have had their way with my sunshine
[01:40.177] I feel like I don't have anything left
[01:42.998] I feel like I can't believe in power without that intoxicating reminder
[01:48.269] That this could all be another thing I'm believing
[01:51.406] Just because I'm sick of feeling empty and alone
[01:55.640]
[02:00.347] Or maybe, I'm just once again resorting to my pathetic need
[02:04.635] To overthink just to feel like anything real is happening
[02:08.729] And having to cover every base without any blind faith
[02:12.543] Just so I can know that I'm not acting out of my impulse to do things to benefit me
[02:18.507] And me only
[02:21.167]
[02:21.590] But then out of nowhere
[02:23.475] When I finally feel at peace and make sense of all these things
[02:27.273] It's in that moment that I miss everybody who ever loved me
[02:33.304]
[02:33.645] But somehow, the weather feels more sunny
[02:36.511] And the water in this river keeping my mind watered is finally running
[02:41.405] And flowing, and livestock is growing
[02:44.849] My heart is showing, my heart is glowing
[02:47.785] So why do I feel so lonely?
[02:50.797] Maybe because the words I put on paper
[02:53.769] Are not filling up my heart and it's still empty
[02:58.533]
[02:59.372] And darling, I promise I meant it when I said I wanted you to be happy
[03:04.290] I just didn't want you to be happier than me
[03:08.819] But I guess I'm just not that lucky
[03:12.501]
[03:14.147] And this pain may not be escaping, and I may still be hurting
[03:18.534] But that's okay, because at least I'm living
[03:25.027] And I can see that someday it will be ending
[03:28.356] Even if it's not today, I know I'll be set free
[03:32.423] So forgive me, I'm usually much more encouraging
[03:35.851] But until then, just promise me you won't leave
[03:39.908] 'Cause my heart may feel empty
[03:43.502] But every time I tell myself I'm alone
[03:46.458] I know that I'm just lying
[03:52.699] 'Cause even though my heart feels empty
[03:55.034] The walls hold photos of beautiful memories
[03:58.020]
[03:58.151] And if I hurt so bad now
[04:00.265] I guess it's just a friendly reminder that I'm still breathing
[04:03.907] And she may not still be next to me
[04:06.734] But this hurt cuts deep and still remembers to visit me
[04:10.303] So heartache, thank you for still believing in me
[04:16.566] You're not a problem; you're my sanity
[04:22.606] And I love you for it